My food porn crush

There's a kitchen in there somewhere.

We're back -- after an interstate move, retirement, a new grandchild and successfully navigating the Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles!

And Because I Said So Kitchen is open for business -- again. Still haven't figured out where my Pyrex storage dishes are -- and few hundred other things -- but we're up and taking nourishment once again.

So I have to confess the object of my latest food porn crush -- Ina Garten, aka, The Barefoot Contessa. It all started this fall when, on almost on a daily basis, I would lose interest in unpacking our 18 zillion moving boxes around 4 p.m. every afternoon and collapse on the living room floor with a diet Coke (no furniture at this point so the floor it was), capable only of watching the Food Network.

And there was Ina (I can call you Ina, can't I?), gliding effortlessly through her wonderfully appointed kitchen in the Hamptons whipping up all kinds of tasty things for family and friends, punctuating her culinary efforts with the words "buttah" and "How easy is that?" This all looked pretty darn good to a person currently living out of a cooler on the patio until the new refrigerator was delivered.

And, so, to celebrate the resurrection of BISS Kitchen, I went out and picked up a couple of Barefoot Contessa cookbooks -- "How Easy Is That?" and "Make It Ahead." I cracked open "How Easy Is That?" first.

Now, the premise of this book, says Ina, "is all about saving you time and avoiding stress [with]. . . . tried-and-true Barefoot Contessa recipes that are easy enough to make but still have all that deep, delicious flavor that makes a meal so satisfying."

The key, she says, are easy ingredients that can be found in well-stocked grocery stores (take note, please), plus easy shortcuts, easy techniques, easy menus and easy recipes. As a chronically over-ambitious cook, I can totally dig this. SOMEBODY needs to keep me in check.

And so, after inviting The Mom Unit and some friends over for dinner Friday night, I ripped into The Barefoot Contessa's Rich Beef Barley Soup.

BISSKitchen Adventure of the Day: This recipe uses oxtails instead of stew meat (or whatever -- since this was my first run at beef barley soup, I wasn't quite sure what my options were), for extra richness, Ina says. I was game for this. I've seen oxtails in the meat section before.

Exx-cepptt-tttt for now. Four stores later, no oxtails.

Now Portland is no culinary backwater, so certainly someone, somewhere has oxtails. The meat guy at Safeway suggested Barbur World Foods, a bit of trek at rush hour, so I got home and let Google work its magic.

Eureka! I found oxtails in the most awesome meat department in the world at New Seasons Market (five minutes away!) and had them put two pounds aside for me. I only share this because sometimes "easy ingredients" aren't so easy. Be prepared to do some sleuthing or work with your favorite meat counter and pre-order.

Love you, New Seasons!

BISSKitchen Upshot: Probably one of the best soups I've ever made -- and I've made my share of soups. It's a perfect late fall-winter comfort food -- rich (thanks, oxtails!), a little peppery, delicious. It's quite simple to make -- perhaps a little labor intensive in the chopping (and shopping in the case of oxtails) department -- but a minor detail: Put on some jazz, pour yourself a glass of wine and get over it.

Chop, chop: Leeks, onions, carrots, celery.

And, puh-leeze, use the oxtails!

Caveat: I used fresh chopped garlic this time around but sometimes, if I'm in a hurry, I use this little Trader Joe's gem, which can conveniently reside in your freezer when not in use. Comes in basil too!

And, finally, the BISSKitchen rating -- on a scale of 1 (well, THAT was interesting) to 5 (I'll just keep the rest for myself, thank you), the Barefoot Contessa's Rich Beef Barley Soup gets 5 Bovine Bravos.

Just think of it as your secret weapon against winter this year. Why? Because I said so.

Gettin' goopy with Giada: Mustard Salmon with Cannellini Bean Ragu

My latest issue of "Food & Wine" arrived this week, and it's a dandy. Big news -- Giada's opening a restaurant in Vegas. You know Giada, right? I mean, aren't you on first-name basis with her like me?

You know. Giada de Laurentis of Food Network's "Giada at Home" and "Everyday Italian"? The woman with the waistline of a wasp, the complexion of an angel -- who cooks. without. an. apron? With her, um, decolletage showing? A LOT of decolletage. At least by the standards of this kitchen.

I keep wondering how the woman deals with hot bacon grease.

 Yes. THAT Giada!

I got over Giada's decolletage pretty quickly, but I am still confounded how she cooks without an apron without ultimately looking like an extra serving of that day's Blue Plate Special. (Unless, thanks to the miracles of video editing, we miss the two dozen trips to the dry cleaners. But I kinda doubt it.)

Let's just say, under the same circumstances, you could stuff me in an HazMat suit, turn me loose in a kitchen and I would still end up with sauce stains on my shirt and sleeves. And that's with me not even making a sauce.

Anyway.

Giada's joint restaurant, cleverly named G-I-A-D-A, is in a boutique hotel, The Cromwell, which is part of the Caesar's Palace complex. So now you know. (Does it not crack you up just a bit -- a hotel within a hotel within a hotel? Vegas -- YOU ROCK.)

She shared a few of her menu items in "Food & Wine," and Mustard Salmon with Cannellini Bean Ragu caught my eye: Total prep time -- 50 minutes.

Let's DO this!

Giada De Laurentis' Mustard Salmon with Cannellini Bean Ragu, courtesy of the May 2014 issue of "Food and Wine"

Goddamnit. The recipe calls for fresh chopped thyme. Twice.

Come out, come out -- wherever you are.

BISSK Note #1: Escarole and skinless salmon fillets. Bermtopia is not some hick, backwater cow town -- it's actually a mining/lumber town -- but I was nervous about tracking down escarole. But there it was  -- all two heads of it -- at the very, very far, most remote end of the produce section. Obviously, Bermtopia isn't a big on escarole. Yet.

I already knew fresh skinless salmon fillets was a lost cause. This wasn't my first fresh-skinless-salmon- fillet rodeo.

My fishmonger is the meat (operative word MEAT) counter at Ye Olde Neighborhood Grocery Store. I once asked them for a skinless salmon fillet and they accommodated. The finished product resembled lox. Without the love.

We DO have a most excellent true seafood shop here in town -- Williams Seafood. Problem is, purchasing fish there usually requires taking out a second mortgage on your house. Just saying. Fortunately Williams was closed on Sunday when I was shopping so our mortgage lives to fight another day.

As a result, I did what most self-respecting cooks do when faced with finding an elusive ingredient.

Trader Joe's.

TJ's did not disappoint. Skinless salmon fillets were in the frozen food section. Frozen not my first choice -- and they did look at little gnarly -- but I'm happy to report, once thawed, they did resemble salmon.

BISSK Note #2: Prep time. As noted in my inaugural post, this time of year, I have the need for speed. (Note: We are SO over pine needles. I am now on to clearing garden beds and feeding roses.)

Giada allows 50 minutes to pull this party together. I cheated and prepped most of the ragu Sunday night (31 minutes -- damn thyme) so all I would have to do is the prosciutto, escarole and mustard sauce Monday (20 minutes - damn thyme).

It was close. The salmon took about 7 minutes so, in all, if you prepped this all at once like a normal person, it's closer to an hour from pan to table.

BISSK Note #3: Taste test. I'm glad I tasted a little dab of the mustard sauce. It was very metallic-y. Let's blame the thyme, shall we?

A small dollop of honey -- and a titch more salt -- helped.

BISSK Wrap-up: Meh. In the end, it turned out to be a very strange mix of textures and flavors. Beans and salmon, just slightly discomfitting. The prosciutto was like that odd person at a high school reunion who no one could place -- or find in the yearbook. And I quickly learned that I'm not a big fan of pairing double doses of mustard with salmon.

I might try the ragu again as a side dish, but crisp the prosciutto and use it as a topping. Maybe.

BISSK Rating: On a scale of 1 (Get This Out of My Mouth, Please) to 5 (Let's Make It Again Tomorrow Night), Giada's Mustard Salmon with Cannellini Bean Ragu is awarded 2 heads of escarole out of 5. Perhaps because that's all they had the grocery store.

And why? Because I said so.